I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
