Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
