Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
