sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
