Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
What a dumb baby whore.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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