My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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