There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
