The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
