Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
