Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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