i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Randomize
