It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
