I want you more than these girls want KFC
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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