You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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