people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
