yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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