That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
