"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
