sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
