I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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