the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
