My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
