K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
