He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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