I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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