You're a womanizer and a bitch.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
