Just fell off a train. Bad.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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