Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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