dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
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Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
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I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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