Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
