she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
He kissed a someone with a penis
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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