winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
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