I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
i think my cat just said my name.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
