seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
