I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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