things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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