i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
