i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
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