just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
