So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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