So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize