highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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