How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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