It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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