My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
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