I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
