So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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