covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
