Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
