I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
