I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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