You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
