Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
