so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
