Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
